I gotta get something off my chest, and that something is my man-boobs. I’m not talking an exclamation, like, "Hey, man — boobs!" I’m talking man-boobs. I got junk with a side of jugs, and I ain’t happy about it.
Three years ago, I got two things: a girlfriend and a real job. And then I got two more things: a supple pair of he-breasts. With a steady lady and some steady employment, I left the old me behind. No more appetite-suppressing drug orgies. No more eating once every 36 hours. No more nutrient-starved immune response and the subsequent weight-purging illnesses. I traded that life in, and what’d I get in return? Male-mammaries.
It’s time for a change. I need a way to deflate these Pat-pillows. I like my new life. I like being a contributing member of society. I like feeling like a whole person. I just wish the whole me didn’t come with these boy-bags.
How to get rid of these testosterone-titties? I supposed I could exercise, or stop drinking beer. Right. I could also be Santa Claus. "Could" doesn’t make it so.
Maybe I just need to come to terms with my man-boobs. I could start a club for men with guy-knockers and declare myself president. Then I could do commercials like the Hair Club for Men ones. "I’m not only the Dude-Rack Club president. I’m also a client."
If my gentleman-jigglies lactated, I could solve world hunger. I bet there’s a stem-cell researcher out there looking for a challenge. If I double my beer intake and renounce walking altogether, I could grow my he-jugs so big, I could house the world’s homeless, too. Habitat for Huge-Man-Titties.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe my calling is to use my endowment for the greater good. If only God would give me a sign. Like a birthmark on my pseudo-sacks in the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe.
Man. Boobs.
5 comments:
Excellent. Although I am kinda curious as to how many more alternative 'man-boob' phrases you had in stock...
Do you think it was your boobies that got you the job offer?
No harm in a touch of smuty association attached to the site - nice work Pat. Did you feel the urge to click on the link to make sure it wasn't some 'on the side' cash, like, say, escorting? Rent-a-Pat-pillow?
what cup size we talkin here?!!! It seems like you have attracted the attention of the united man boob association, who, in their war against the peoples man boob front, are playing the propaganda game. Once you get that first $800 check theres no goin back dude. not for any of us.....
.... seriously, B? Show barry a picture, he's a professional apraiser of boob size!
habitat for huge-man-titties might be the most brilliant thing i've ever read. how does one go about getting that on a t-shirt?
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