When this began, this blog, I had lofty ideas. An amalgom of literary thought, played out on page with the multiple voices of the talented and unfullfilled amongst us. I have bluffed long enough it would seem. My desire to create a compendium of prowess has fallen, of late, to the wayside, and I cannot but blame myself for the the somewhat unrealistic expectations I furnished this site with.
I long for an exchange of ideas, but as time passes it would seem that what i long for, is in fact, a fluidity of mine own. I have long been the unimportant victim of staggeringly low self esteem (collective boo-fucking-hoo) and, much as i willed it, it failed to become a topic worthy enough of exploration. To write what one knows is the creatives imperative, but my own knowledge has proven so out of date, so based upon my childhood readings of encyclopedia, that it warrants no description, no indulgent extrapolation. I am a fool. And worse, one that has spent too long idling in self explorative fancy.
I was a prodigy once, to some, to my own reflective mind, and cannot live thusly to my own expectations. To live lonely in language is folly. I have, for lifetimes it would seem, wished nothing more. I have created much, but alas, nothing of worth. Ideas flirt with me. Taunt me from the depths of subconscious minds and I constantly struggle with notions that I can, somehow, hold on to, or control them. I cannot. David recently spoke of the intranscient nature of an idea, and I identify too readily with it. A part of me calls out and yearns to write, flooding my conscious thoughts with pieces here and there, the rest of my being, broken and afriad blocks anything of substance from me. I am shielded from decency and letchery equally and truth is lost. My truths, that once seemed so pertinent are now laughable. The faux reality of a first masturbatory experience, told with masturbatory gusto. These writings that have one damning thematic element in common.
Fuck me, and every stupid lie that I stand for.
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2 comments:
By refuting it you affirm it, Mick. You haven't lost anything but that which had to go. It may just be 'pieces' that are realised, all too infrequent & not what you will. But if there’s something there – as there all too obviously is – keep the struggle.
A thundering post Mick. Slay and be slain. And the flattering attributed "intransient nature of an idea" comment must duly be returned back to you. The lucidity of this writing owes to no one but yourself.
I thank you David. Pick up the baton.
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